StopYourDivorce

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  • How To Overcome The Most Self-Defeating Mindset...

Five Things You Can Start Doing Right Away To Turn The Tide In Your Favor...

When one person is wanting a divorce or is pulling away, and the other one doesn’t want it, there is a clash of wills.

There is tension.

There is stress.

So I’ve discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to his own advantage, and to the disadvantage of his opponent.

We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to her that you want something different from what she wants.

I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over.

And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of “your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather.” After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person’s hand always begins to float upward because they’re giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion.

This woman’s hand didn’t move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, “Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?”

She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, “Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier.”

See, the opposite of what I suggested.

So I said, “Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier.” And I kept on that way.

In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility.

When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.

So use the jujitsu. Go with them.

Now here are five elements, five ideas, five strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.

1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.

2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

You see, when the wife has a closed mind and is divorcing a husband, she is in love with her negative feelings.So she puts her negative feelings in charge of the door to her mind. And when you try to reason with her, you’re telling her that her negative feelings are wrong. That causes her negative feelings to lock the door tighter.

Agree with her negative feelings – whatever they are.

“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”

“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That’s exactly correct.”

Do not defend yourself.

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.

3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.

The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they’ve given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.

4. Date others. Make them jealous. Play hard-to-get.

5. Do everything instantly and happily, one hundred percent your mate’s way.

This uses jujitsu, and it always works.

Now, you can’t do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It’s not going to work for you. And you can’t do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.

You’ve got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.

Now, this does not mean no contact.

If you’re separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.

You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you’ve got to do serious talk.

Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.

Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.

You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.

“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”

Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”

These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.

Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to her or him, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don’t really care what you want. It’s what I want that’s important.”

Lots of times men tell their wives, “I’ve changed. I’ve changed. Let’s get back together. I’ve changed.”

I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I’ve changed,’ you’re communicating to her that you have not changed.”

“Really? Why is that? How is that? I don’t understand that.”

“Of course, you don’t understand. But what’s your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you’ve changed? What’s your purpose? Isn’t it to get your way?”

“Yeah, I want her back.”

“That’s your way. It’s not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I’ve changed,’ you’re saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don’t give a hoot what you want.”

And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn’t changed. He’s still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There’s no way I’m going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”

Now, these basic ideas that I’ve discovered that always work are in oriental philosophy. They are in the Sermon on the Mount. Now, I’m not trying to sell religion. I’m selling philosophy.

I’m selling psychology. I’m selling what works. Jesus said, “Resist not evil.” You don’t resist it, go with it. “You want a divorce, it’s okay. I don’t blame you. I understand.” The more you talk against the divorce, the more she wants it.

Another place in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him. Lest they deliver you to the judge and the judge to the jailer, and you shall not come out until you have paid the uttermost farthing.”

Agree with thine adversary, quickly.

Why?

Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.

If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them.

This is a Free Excerpt From Stop Your Divorce... Click Here to Learn More.

Why Working At Your Relationship Isn’t Working And What To Do About It...

Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we’re going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But I say that it’s the working that makes it not work.

Again, I find support for this in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. He says, “Consider the lilies of the field. They toil not, neither do they spin. Yet, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”

When you criticize, you’re working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you’re working at improving him or her.

When you argue, you’re working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you’re reasoning and when you’re telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it’s that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It’s perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what’s on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate’s way, when you do that there’s nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You’ve thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you’re not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It’s not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

It’s not normal, it’s not natural to not defend yourself.

Now, the idea of defending yourself is a fantastic idea. It’s a great idea. It’s a healthy idea. But when we tell the other person that they are wrong and we are right, and we pressure them, they become more negative and more hostile.

So we’re not really defending ourselves. We’re giving them a stick that they always hit us with. And our giving them a stick that they always hit us with is not defending ourselves.

We call it defensive, because that’s what we think we’re doing. The way to defend yourself that works is to defend your mate or lover.

Agree with them.

Do not disagree at all.

It’s not to your advantage.

It’s a dumb thing to do.

Now, I’ve seen these ideas work in my own marriage, and in hundreds and hundreds of other people’s lives. I’m 76 and my wife is 56. We’ve been married 30 years.

She made better grades than any student ever has in the whole history of Our Lady of the Lake University, here in San Antonio. She’s gorgeous, she’s sweet, she’s a fifth-grade school teacher. She’s made “Who’s Who” among American school teachers. Everybody falls in love with her.

We’ve had rare, but sometimes serious problems.

Immediately, I follow these principles. She loses her negative feelings right away, or within an hour or two.

These ideas always work.

You see, they’re not natural because our feelings are spoiled brats. They want to choose the goal and they want to choose the methods. We want to go to London, England, and we want to go by horseback.

Well, you can’t go to London, England by horseback.

You’ve got to let your head choose something.

Let your head choose the goal, so your feelings say, “I love this person and I want back with them.” This is what your feelings are saying.

“Okay,” your head says, “then you’ve got to do these things. You’ve got to agree and stop criticizing – cheerfully, happily – accept whatever your mate wants.”

“But I feel I would lose.”

There you go. The feelings want to choose everything. And the feelings, this time, are wrong. You lose with this method.

Your relationship will improve when you stop working at changing your mate and warmly allow your mate to be whomever they are.

If they want to be cold, it’s perfectly okay.

They want to be hostile, they want to think that you’re guilty of something that you’re not, it’s perfectly okay.

It’s perfectly okay.

It’s only a preference that I get her or him back, or that they be more loving. It’s not a need. The more that you think of it as a need, you’re not going to get it.

If it’s only a preference, you have a lot of power there.

If you desperately need a loan from the bank, the bank will say no.


This is a Free Excerpt From Stop Your Divorce... Click Here to Learn More.

To Him That Hath, More Shall Be Given...

I’ve had some trouble with some people who don’t want to date others.

Jesus said, “To him that hath, shall be given.”

If you have a job, it’s easier to get a job.

If you have another woman friend or another man friend, it’s easier to get your husband, lover, girlfriend or wife back.

I had a Baptist preacher into my office a few months ago, and his wife wouldn’t talk to him at all about anything serious.

He said she wouldn’t talk to him about getting back together. No, no, no.

So I tried to get him to date other women.

He wouldn’t do it.

So I said, “It’s okay. I didn’t say I’d do this miracle if you didn’t follow my ideas. It’s perfectly okay with me. It’s not my tail in the crack.”

“Okay, I don’t need you to be happy. I don’t need you to get her back. I slightly prefer that, but if you don’t want to, it’s perfectly okay.”

I said, “Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, “For the meek shall inherit the Earth.”

Meek? What’s that?

Open-minded.

Those who will let reality talk to them. You’re not letting reality talk to you.

I finally got through his closed mind, and he started dating another woman. Immediately, his wife started pursuing him.

Jesus said, “To him that hath, shall be given.”

If you sit around “I don’t have, I don’t have,” that “she doesn’t love me enough or he doesn’t love me enough and I’m losing him,” and whine, whine, whine, there’s no way that your relationship is going to improve.

You’ve got to take on the responsibility of making yourself at least act happy and pretend happiness, even if you don’t feel it.

Now this is what world-class athletes are being taught by their psychologists. They’re being taught if you lose a point, instantly act confident.

Act like it didn’t happen.

Act confident.

Act happy.

Act energetic.

Act positive, whether you feel like it or not. Take care of your feelings later on, but not during the game. Not during the game! During the game, you put on a strong front.

People tend to believe that, “She’ll think that I don’t care if I don’t communicate that I need her or him.”

Well, is telling her that you care, is it working?

Of course not.

Does it work? Does it work? Does it work?

Stop what doesn’t work. Try something that has a chance of working.

I enjoy a TV show called The Commish. The Commissioner, at the end of one show, is putting his arm around his son of about 15 years old, I guess, and saying, “Son, I was told when I was younger that there are three kinds of people. One kind is the dumb ones who don’t learn. The smart ones who learn from their own mistakes. Very smart ones. But then there are the wise ones, the ones who learn from other people’s mistakes.”

When you’ve already made enough mistakes on your own, I’m telling you that other people have done the same kind of mistakes – the mistake of saying, “But I need you and I love you" – pressure, pressure, pressure. And it doesn’t work for them, either.

It wouldn’t work for Jesus Christ.

In fact, in my study of scriptures, Jesus did not pursue anybody. He said in two different gospels, “I’ve not come to save the righteous. I’ve not come to call the righteous to repentance, but sinners.”

Why not the righteous?

They don’t need salvation?

Why, they need it worse. They need it worse. They’re less healthy. They’re more lonely. These snobs, these insecure, arrogant, lonely people, they need salvation worse.

In another place, Jesus says, “There are none so blind as those who will not see.” In other words, I’m not going to waste my time with those that are stubborn, as long as they’re stubborn. If there was a rumor that a town that they were approaching was disinclined to believe, they’d go around that town.

Jesus and his disciples would go around that town, when they had a close-minded attitude.

He wasn’t going to stupidly beat his head against a brick wall, see?


This is a Free Excerpt From Stop Your Divorce... Click Here to Learn More.

The More You Believe You Need Something -- The Less You’re Going To Have It...

Pressuring and pursuing never works.

It always pushes the other person away, because you’re communicating low self-esteem.

When you’re thinking “need to be loved,” that is creating low self-esteem. It’s hogwash that we need to be loved.

We don’t need romantic love.

I ask many people, “Before you were in love, what were you doing?”
“Oh, I was enjoying friends and enjoying my freedom.”

“Were you happy?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“And you weren’t romantically involved?”

“No. I had friends, my job, my school, whatever.”

In order to make it into mature happiness, you’ve got to start caring about facts. Now, you don’t have to make it into maturity.

You do not have to make it into a mature happiness. But if you do, you have to achieve that by caring about facts.

What’s true?

What works?

It’s not true that you need to be loved, that’s boloney. It’s nice to be loved. But the more you need it, the more you’re equipped to get hurt, angry, criticize, complain, argue, show jealousy.

All these bad feelings come from the intellectual belief that you need to be loved, that you need to be believed, that you need to be trusted.

“If it’s a nice thing, then I need it.”

“Trust is a nice thing, so I need it.”

No, you don’t. It’s desirable. And the more that you believe that you need it, the less that you’re going to have it.

The purpose of needing is not to get the good thing, but to drive it away. It’s a subconscious trick.

The part of our mind that wants to be unhappy, that wants to feel sorry for itself, that wants to be depressed, tells you that you need to be loved.

You need to be understood.

You need to be supported.

You need to be agreed with.

No, you don’t.

Total boloney.

And the more you believe it, you push it away.

If it’s only a preference, that’s all that it is, you get it.

Let me give you an example of the power of preference. A man came into my office and he was feeling depressed because his wife had just told him the day before that she wanted a divorce.

He said, “I asked her if she would take marriage counseling and she said no. I asked her this morning, and she said no, she wants a divorce.”

I said, “Do you mind if I call her?”

“It won’t do you any good.”

I said, “Well, it may not. Do you mind if I try?”

“Go ahead.”

“Thank you.”

I called her and I said, “I’m your husband’s counselor. I’m not going to try to save this marriage against your will, but I’d appreciate it if you would come in…”

“No, I will not,” she said in a loud voice, right in the middle of my sentence.

I had her in the next day.

Let me tell you exactly how I handled it.

The moment that she said, “No, I will not,” in a loud voice, I knew she was ready for me, that she was negative before I called.

I waited two or three seconds and then I said, “I certainly understand that feeling.” I repeated that. I said, “I certainly understand that feeling. I’m kind of busy right now. Do you mind if I call you back later this afternoon?”

“Oh,” she said, “I guess that’s all right.”

I said, “Thank you very much. I’ll call you back.” And I hung up.

When I hung the phone up, I turned to the husband and said, “We’ve got it made.”

“Got it made?! Did she say she’d come in? Sounded to me like she said she wouldn’t.”

I said, “You’re right. She said she wouldn’t, but she will.”

“Where did you get this confidence?” he said.

I said, “Well, lucky for you, I’ve got it.”

Later that afternoon, I called her back and I said, “Thank you very much for letting me call you back. You don’t have to tell me, but I sure would appreciate it if you would tell me why you said you wouldn’t come in and talk to me.”

“I don’t mind telling you,” she said, “it’s because you’re going to try to talk me into taking counseling and I don’t want counseling.”

I said, “I promise not to do that. I promise not to do that. I just want some background information on your husband, which will help me help him faster and help him get on with his life. That’s all.”

She said, “Oh, okay. Then, I’ll come in.”

So she came in, and I listened to her talk for an hour. And I just listened and empathized. “I understand. I see. Then what happened?” I just listened and understanding, and never pointing anything out or anything like that.

Never trying to get her to think a new thought, just listening.

And then I said, “Thank you very much. You’ve been a big help.”

She said, “I have?”

I said, “Yes, you sure have.”

She said, “That’s it?”

I said, “That’s it.”

She looked me straight in the eye and then she said, “I know, you think I need counseling, don’t you?”

I smiled.

I said, “No, I don’t think you do, I know you do.”

“You know I do? Why do you say that?”

“Because you’re confused and unhappy, that’s why.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” It surprised me that she admitted it. Because when people want a divorce, they always act like they’re very happy.

She said, “That’s true. But counseling can’t help me with that.”

I said, “My kind of counseling can.”

She said, “Can it really?”

I said, “Yes, it surely can.”

“Oh. Okay. Then I’ll take it.”

So she took counseling.

See, we cannot sell needs. Nobody buys needs. They don’t want the pressure. Have you ever heard anyone say, “Oh, I just love to be pressured?”

When the person comes across needing, they come across with pressure, pressure, pressure.

Pressure creates stress and strain.

It makes you nervous.

The one doing the pressuring and the one being pressured. In reality, all we’re dealing with are preferences. We can lie. We have the human right to be wrong and lie.

This is not a preference, we need it.

We need to be understood.

We need our mate to see how good our intentions were when we screwed up.

We need… We need… We need them to trust us.

We need this marriage to work.

Baloney, baloney, baloney. Not true.

Now we have the right to lie, but it is a lie. And it’s very masochistic. It’s very self-defeating. The more you need something, the more you push it away.

You try to use crying and whining and depression and arguing as methods to achieve a happy relationship. It doesn’t work.

It always works to get self-pity. The real purpose of believing the false belief that you need is not to get the good thing, but to feel bad.

That’s the purpose of needing.

There is nothing wrong with you. You just believe that there’s something wrong with you that another person’s love or approval will cure.

You’re not sick. You just believe that you are.

We have songs, beautiful songs, that communicate to us that you’re nobody until somebody loves you. Well, if you’re nobody until somebody loves you, you’re going to have a heck of a hard time.

Maybe not at the very beginning of a relationship, when everybody is putting their best foot forward. But gradually, in time, you’re going to have serious trouble – unnecessary trouble.

When you think of things as only a preference, that’s all that it is. So I’m happy to do it your way. You could just stay home or go out.

A relationship works when you have that kind of attitude.

And you can have the attitude “I’m happy to do it your way” when you think of things as only a preference. Because to go out or stay home, or see this particular movie, or do that particular thing, it’s only a preference.

And I’m glad to give up a preference of mine for a greater preference, which is to have a good relationship, to have peace of mind, to have maturity.

If you don’t have peace of mind, you don’t have a whole lot. And anything that you need, destroys the peace of mind. That is, believing that you need.

It makes you anxious or depressed, even while you’re getting the thing that you think you need.

“Does she really mean it,” and “Will he mean it next week,” there’s anxiety coming from this.

Putting excessive importance on something pushes it away.


This is a Free Excerpt From Stop Your Divorce... Click Here to Learn More.

How To Overcome The Most Self-Defeating Mindset...

Now, the opposite extreme of needing is to say something has no importance at all.

That’s a mistake.

I’m not trying to say that romantic love is for the birds. I have a happy marriage, I have a happy romantic love. It’s nice. It’s very nice. But it’s not essential for happiness.

The more you realize that it isn’t, the more capable you become in achieving it.

So some days you have icing on the cake, and some days you don’t, and that’s okay because you have cake! The cake is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance. Rational thinking. That I don’t need what I want, it’s only a preference. That’s all that it is.

When you go into Baskin-Robbins. They say, “What can I do for you?” You give them a preference.

If they say, “I’m sorry, we’re out of chocolate almond,” you don’t get hurt. You don’t get mad. You have about three seconds, at the very most, of disappointment. Then you come up with another preference.

If that’s not available, then you might end up with your third or fourth choice, and you might find out that your third or fourth choice you like even better than you did your first choice.

God sometimes knows better.

Fate sometimes knows better.

We don’t throw fits about that.

We don’t get hurt and mad and run out of Baskin-Robbins place. And then the next day, we’re walking by and they say, “Hey, Homer. We’ve got your favorite flavor – chocolate almond.” I don’t say, “Too little, too late. I’ve got my hurt feelings to keep me warm.”

We don’t do that. We’re more rational. It’s that kind of rationality that we have about ice cream is exactly the rationality that’s desirable for us to learn in connection with getting what we want from other people.

Feeling hurt is a sick pleasure, which crowds out healthy pleasures. And the belief that you need is what causes hurt feelings and angry feelings.

When we change that belief, then you have disappointment and frustration, dislike, but you’re not hurt, you’re not mad and you’re not anxious when something doesn’t go your way.

You feel a degree of disappointment and a degree of frustration. But you accept it philosophically.

It’s perfectly okay.

And you don’t feel hurt and you don’t feel mad.

See, when you feel hurt and mad, you behave in ways to increase the hurt feelings and the angry feelings. You attack the other person’s pride. They get worse. Then you have more excuses for your bad feelings.

But when you realize that what you’re desiring is only a preference, that’s all that it is, then you behave in ways that reduce the frustration and reduce the disappointment.

You take care of the other person’s pride, while taking care of your own.

When you have an attitude that it’s only a preference, only a desire, only a want, that’s all that it is, you relax. And you can imagine new ways.

When you believe that you need what you desire, you’re quick to get hurt and mad, anxious, depressed, and you get stuck in that rut.

So you are unable to come up with a new approach, a new experiment. Something new to try. When it’s only a preference, you relax and you come up with a new idea.

Now, for example, the situation where I talked with the wife who said no, she would not come in.

I was able to, first of all, say, “I understand that feeling.”

When you believe you need what you want, you don’t say, “I understand.” You say, “But, I don’t understand. Why are you doing this?” And that works against you. So you stick with criticizing, complaining, arguing, jealousy, whatever, and you’re stuck in the rut.

I felt sincerely that I only preferred her to come in. So then, I was able to say, “I understand that feeling.”

Now, something else that you do that works when you only prefer, is you ask for something much smaller – something less – something quicker and easier.

When you believe that you need, you’re not in the mood to ask for a bite of food when you want a whole plate.

“I shouldn’t have to do this.”

So you end up with self-pity. But when you realize that it’s only a preference, then you can ask for something smaller.

See, I wanted her to come in, she said no. So I didn’t get mad or argue or say, “The hell with it.”

I said, “I understand that feeling. Do you mind if I call you back later this afternoon?”

Ask her for something smaller, just to talk to her on the phone. Something easier for her to do.

And then when I called her back, I said, “Thank you for letting me call you back.” People who need don’t say thank you. They just criticize and complain. I said, “Thank you for letting me call you back.”

You are able to make a soft and gentle request, not a demand, when you believe in preferences. “You certainly do not have to tell me,” I said, “but I sure would appreciate it if you would tell me why you said you wouldn’t come in.”

She said, “No, I don’t mind telling you. It’s because I think you’re going to try to talk me into taking counseling, and I don’t want counseling.”

I said, “I promise not to do that.”

See, even though I prefer that she take counseling, I promise not to try to talk her into it.

So when you only prefer, you can break it up into little steps, and you can focus on only one step at a time. You are patient, and creative, and pleasant to be around. You don’t have a need to argue.

I didn’t have a need to argue with her when she was in the office.

I didn’t need her to take counseling.

I preferred that she take counseling.

If I needed her to take counseling, I would have argued with her. That’s why her husband couldn’t get her to come in. He needed her to come in.


This is a Free Excerpt From Stop Your Divorce... Click Here to Learn More.

Stop Coming To Your Own Defense -- and Watch Your Mate Do It For You...

Life will not give you what you believe that you need.

It may sound unfair, but that’s reality. Because it’s not true that you need it anyway. You want it, and that’s all that it is.

It’s only a desire.

That’s all that it is.

When you think that way, then you behave in a confident way, in a happy way.

“Okay, if you don’t want to, then I’ll dance with somebody else. Or I’ll sit at the table by myself and read my book.”

You see, if we get a different point of view, if we see this world as just being full of pleasures, so that if this pleasure is not quickly and easily available, then another pleasure is.

You drive down the street, turn on the radio to your favorite station and you get static, you don’t hit the radio. You don’t throw a temper tantrum. You don’t turn the radio off. You switch to another station.

Not your favorite station, but you listen. You stay in a good mood. And then after a while, you try your original station again, and it comes through without any static.

It’s cleared up, and you’ve kept yourself in a good mood.
Good things happen to people who keep themselves in a good mood. Bad things tend to happen to people who keep themselves in a bad mood, because of attacking other people’s pride.

Now, in analyzing romantic love, I’m not talking about humanitarian love or Christian love where you love everybody and his dog and cat you know, but romantic love where you are in love.

I haven’t read this anyplace, but it makes sense to me.That the main thing that I am in love with in romantic love is my own pride.

I secondarily fall in love with my mate because I rightly or wrongly believe that he or she is going to support my pride.

You see, my theory is correct.

The only way to test it, very quickly. is do we know anybody that falls in love with somebody they’re ashamed of?

I’ve never heard of somebody falling in love with somebody they’re ashamed of. They might be ashamed of how he slurps his coffee, or something else. But the overall feeling is pride.

And as we develop more and more shame for what he or she is doing or not doing, we move towards falling out of love.

Because in romantic love, the main thing we’re in love with is our own pride.

You never hear a woman say, “I fell in love with this old, fat, lazy bum.”

He might appear that way to other people, but she sees him in positive terms: his sense of humor, his sweetness, thoughtfulness, and so forth.

I’ve been thinking about this kind of thing passionately for many, many years.

It’s been my day and night hobby – my day and night career – to understand human emotions.

To understand what’s going on when a person is unhappy.

What’s going on when things are not working for them.

What’s going on when things work good.

So you really don’t know anybody who’s fallen in love with somebody they’re ashamed of. So then, it shows to us the importance of protecting their pride and our own.

And the more you believe you need something, you attack their pride. And believing that you need whatever you desire is an attack on your own pride.

This is why criticizing, complaining, arguing, and showing jealousy are the worst things that we can do, because that is experienced as an attack on both people’s pride.

You see, because the more you criticize and complain, the more your pride feels insecure or hurt, as well as the person that you’re arguing with.

Now, this is the idea of always agreeing with the other person, particularly their negative emotions. You see, if a wife is rejecting a husband, she is in love with her negative feelings, so she’s letting her negative feelings be in charge of the door.

So when he agrees with her negative feelings and does not defend himself, shuts up, sounds sincere, immediately the door opens. And he goes into her mind and heart.

But that’s not normal.

The normal thing is to try to reason with her, which means to tell her that those negative feelings may be right to a degree, but they’re also wrong. And boy, those negative feelings, they have to be regarded as one hundred percent right.

When you take all the blame and put not one drop of blame on her, that works.

You win by instantly and cheerfully losing.

Jesus taught that on the Sermon on the Mount.

A few years ago, my wife and I were visiting relatives in Austin for two very nice days. As we were leaving in the car, my wife and I alone, she gives me a criticism.

She says, “You shouldn’t have been confrontational with Margaret. You know Russell doesn’t like that.”

Well, my thought was, “I wasn’t confrontational with Margaret. She was with me.”

That thought zipped through my head, but I had already programmed myself to always agree.

So I said, “Honey, you’re right. I shouldn’t have been confrontational with Margaret. I should have learned my lesson three months ago when we visited, and Margaret and I got into a discussion and it didn’t work out well. I guess I’m just a slow learner, and I want to thank you for pointing it out to me that I could have handled it better.”

Notice that I switched from the issue of whether I was confrontational or not, to that I could have handled it better, because it was even easier for me to agree with that.

I could have handled it better by not even getting into a discussion with Margaret.

Okay, what happened then, when I agreed with my wife’s criticism of me? I did not defend myself at all. I got on her side and jumped on me.

Immediately she said, “But you were just trying to help.”

And I said, “That’s true. But my method was wrong, because it wasn’t helping.”

She said, “But I think Margaret has a very closed mind.”

I said, “I do, too. But my method was wrong because it was not opening that closed mind. And I want to thank you for pointing it out to me that I could have handled it better.”

She was very friendly and affectionate the rest of the evening.

Always agree.

I thought I was the only one who would really dream up this idea. Now I know everybody thinks about agreeing, but they think that that is weak and hypocritical and won’t work.

But I teach agree from a standpoint of strength, mature love. Because the other person is always right about something, even if they’re sixty, seventy, eighty percent wrong, they’re ten or twenty percent right.

If you talk about where they are wrong, they become more wrong. And if you talk about where they are right, they immediately become less wrong.

See, most people don’t know that if you agree and sound sincere to the other person, do not defend yourself, do not explain yourself, they will defend you.

They will reverse their position.

Amazing!

It works like magic!

A person says, “You know, I want a divorce.”

“I understand. I agree.”

It looks you’re moving faster toward a divorce, but you’re getting at the roots of why she wants a divorce. She wants a divorce because you’re always disagreeing with her.

She does not want a divorce from somebody who’s always pleasant and is always seeing her side and always agreeing with her.

That’s not the person she’s pulling away from.

She’s pulling away from the person who disagrees with her.

People don’t want to be married to somebody who’s holding a gun on them.

“You owe me love because we’re married. You’ve got to love me because we’re married.”

No, no. You’ve got to get rid of the hostility before her good feelings can show. And their hostility may seem to you like it’s totally independent of anything that you do. No!

You are supporting her negativism by your attitude of needing and pressuring and whining and complaining, and trying to argue for your way.

Just enthusiastically see it her way.

You’re happy to do whatever she wants.

Wow! That takes the props totally out from under her hostility. And so we want to continue this attitude.

You are acting secure now.

When you say, “You’re the only one that I can love, you’re the only one that I can be happy with, you’re the only one,” you’re really saying, “I’m a pea-brain. I can’t really see that the world is full of beautiful women or good looking men. I can’t see that. I don’t have any confidence at all. Don’t you want me?”

No, they don’t.

“I have no self-esteem, no nothing. Don’t you want me?”

And the answer is no.


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We Always Want More Of Something We Can’t Have...

Women all over the United States call me and say, “The man in my life is pulling away, because he’s afraid of commitment.”

And I say, “You have been head-over-heels in love with him for three months or three years? You haven’t looked at another man since you got involved?”

“That’s right. That’s right.”

I said, “So the reason he’s pulling away is he has low self-esteem and he’s looking down on you for being in love with him.”

Subconsciously, he wants struggle.

You think he wants reassurance.

So you’re trying to give him reassurance that you won’t hurt him and that you should be together, and so forth and so on. And this reassurance is never working.

Therefore, the remedy is wrong, because it’s based on the wrong diagnosis.

He gets afraid of commitment after he’s bored to death, because subconsciously he wants a project.

He wants a struggle.

You’re taking away any challenge to him that he wants.

You say, ‘I’m all yours. I’m all yours. I love you. I want to be with you forever and ever. I’d do anything to please you.’

So subconsciously, he thinks, ‘Oh, what an idiot.’”

I was telling this to a woman not very long ago and she started laughing. She said, “It makes me think of Groucho Marx. Groucho said, ‘I wouldn’t be a member of a club that would have me as a member.’"

And that’s it, exactly.

So I encouraged the woman to relax, act independent.

I said, “See? The more you pursue your husband, wife, or girlfriend, the more you pursue them, the more they subconsciously have contempt for you.

They think you’re stupid to be in love with them, because they have such a low opinion of themselves, whether they’re aware of this or not.”

So by your acting unconquered, date others, act happy, agree with them we both need space.

We need this separateness.

You’re exactly right.

This is going with their energy.

This is jujitsu.

Sometimes I use an illustration. I say, “Draw a circle on a piece of paper,” and he draws a circle. I say, “put a dot in the middle of the circle and put the name Dorothy. Then outside the circle, put a dot and put your name, Bob. Then inside the circle, anyplace, put a dot and put the name Bob.”

“When Dorothy perceives you, Bob, as being outside the circle, she will pursue you. And when she sees you as inside the circle, she gets bored and contemptuous and backs off. She loses all interest.”

I said, “When you tell her that you love her, that puts you inside the circle. When you give up other women entirely, that puts you inside the circle. When you date others, it puts you outside the circle. If you stop telling her that you love her, stop calling her, that puts you outside the circle.”

In other words, that which is unconquered is appealing and that which is totally conquered loses its fascination.


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Understanding Masochism: Why We Keep Banging Our Head Against A Wall…

In the 1950’s, I struggled to understand masochism.

Psychoanalysts said pain becomes a pleasure, but they didn’t explain how it becomes a pleasure.

I asked some of them if pain becomes a pleasure, why doesn’t all pain become a pleasure so we have no pain left over?

People who are depressed or are anxious are in pain. Why doesn’t that pain change into a pleasure. Of course, there’s no explanation for it.

Psychologists said it’s a matter of not knowing a better way. That didn’t explain everything to me. For example, I’m banging my head against a wall to produce a painting. Say I’ve got a bare wall in my office and I need a painting. So I’m banging my head against the wall to produce a painting.

Now, it never produces a painting, but I persist in banging my head against the wall. Psychologists say, “Poor Homer! It’s because he doesn’t understand and doesn’t know about paint brushes and paint sprays.”

Well, that explains why I don’t use paint brushes and paint sprays, but it does not explain why I don’t stop banging my head against the wall.

And it’s quite observable, quite provable that people do bang their head against the wall and keep doing it.

So why do I bang my head against the wall, even though it causes me to feel depressed and cry, and I persist in doing it?

Because simultaneously with my banging my head against the wall, I’m patting myself on the head. So I’m giving myself ego satisfaction.

Another metaphor. I keep reaching my hand into a hot oven.

My hand burns and I’m crying about it, but I keep putting my hand in the hot oven because there is a bite of food there.

There’s a bite of pie.

If there’s no pie at all, I don’t do it.

There’s got to be a bite of pie. So I have people see that there’s a whole lot more pie on top of the stove, and you don’t get burned.

I was explaining to a psychologist who was in for marriage counseling in my office years ago, I said, “I just finished with a client. He’s staying with his wife, who has open contempt for him.”

I said, “I’ve discovered that the less love that a man has received from his wife, the more he’ll cling. And the more love that he’s received from her, the more he’s able to let go.”

I told this particular client, “Jeff, imagine that my office here is full of refrigerators. They’re glass refrigerators, so you can look inside and see most of them have good food in it and the doors swing open easily.

But there’s a refrigerator over here that has bad food in it and the door is stuck, and you’re fascinated with that refrigerator.

And you say that you’re clinging to that refrigerator because you’re hungry for food.

No way.

You subconsciously want pain.”

Now, I don’t think people enjoy pain.

I think people hate pain, but they want it.

And when I discovered this, I said, “Oh, my goodness, it’s Pavlovian conditioning!” Pavlovian conditioning.

I want my wife to put a stick out there, and I want to take this stick and jam it into my stomach, even though that’s painful and I hate the pain. I still want it. Because when I do that with one hand, I’m patting myself on the head with the other hand. That ego lift that I give myself, I do that simultaneously with the pain.

I have never seen a person upset who was not thinking, “I wouldn’t do this to you” or “I don’t deserve this!” That’s the ego pat. So when a person is upset, they are always feeling self-righteous.

In fact, it’s the self-righteousness that’s experiencing most of the pain!

If I think I’m a lowly peon like everybody else, if I’m not invited to the party that they’re having over there, it’s a little disappointing but it’s no big deal.

It’s no ego shock.

But if I think that I’m the king and they didn’t invite me to the party, then I am shocked and I can’t understand this.

When a person is in pain, they are always feeling neurotic conceit.

Rejection doesn’t hurt a healthy ego, it hurts the conceit.

I know that these lesser mortals down here are being rejected right and left, being divorced right and left, but me?

So it’s the neurotic conceit that’s shocked by rejection.

I’m a human being same as anybody else. Why shouldn’t I be rejected?

So I’m rejected, I turn to somebody else who’s not going to reject me. No big deal. If I’m in pain, it’s the neurotic conceit that experiences the pain.

Another metaphor. We hate the pain, but we love something that causes the pain.

I’m hugging a porcupine. And the porcupine quills go in, I’m bleeding and I’m crying. People think I’m talking about their mate.

No, I’m not talking about their mate.

If I put the porcupine down, I don’t have the pain.

But I love the porcupine.

The porcupine stands for the ideas, the irrational ideas that cause my pain. I love the idea that I need to be loved.

Barbra Streisand sings, “You’re nobody till somebody loves you” and “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

Total nonsense.

Those ideas that we love cause the pain.

And if you get rid of those ideas that cause the pain, you get rid of the pain. People hate the pain, but they love the ideas.

They really expect that in some kind of magical way, that they can keep their ideas and lose their pain. There is no way.

Awareness is extremely helpful.

There are two different things we want to do.

One is observe facts. The second is to come up with a theory that explains these facts.

So far, I haven’t found any fact. I’ve found a lot of opinions, but no fact that goes against my theory that when a man is willing to do anything to save his marriage and the wife is rejecting him, it’s almost always due to low self-esteem on her part and the fact that she knows that he’s head over heels in love with her.

She will give false explanations.

Here’s what happens. She moves away from him emotionally. The original excitement gets less and less.

Either it can happen very rapidly, it can happen almost within an hour, or it might take months. But gradually, because of her low self-esteem, she begins to look down on anything that she’s accomplished.

At first, she’s patting herself on the head for getting this great guy to love her. But then the negative part of her mind begins, “Oh, you never do anything great. So this can’t be great.” So she begins to look down on him and begins to feel bored.

I have women all over the United States call me and say, “The man in my life is pulling away. He’s pulling away because he is afraid of commitment.”

There’s a lot written about men afraid of commitment because he’s afraid he’s going to be hurt.

So I say to the women, “How long have you been involved?”

She’ll say, “Three months” or “three years.”

I say, “So why is he afraid of commitment?”

She’ll say, “Well, because he’s been rejected before in marriage or a previous love relationship and he does not want to be hurt again.”

So I find out that any friends involved or any psychologist involved all accept that theory that he is afraid of being hurt because he’s been hurt before. He has been hurt before, and it’s normal to fear going through the doorway of commitment or marriage that has produced hurt before.

But I go after facts first.

Just like the old detective, “Just the facts, ma’am.”

I say, “Was he afraid of commitment at the beginning of your relationship?”

The answer is always the same, whether it was somebody in Connecticut or California. They say, “No, he wanted commitment. He even talked marriage. He strongly wanted commitment.”

I say, “The beginning of the relationship is the logical time for him to be afraid of commitment for two reasons. Number one, it’s closer in time to when he had been hurt before. And second, you had not been tested.”

I say, “Now, you say you’ve been involved with this guy for a year or two or three, whatever? During this time, have you dated others?”

“Oh, no. No, no, no. This guy is the only one for me. He practically walks on water. He’s the right one for me. I haven’t even looked at another guy at all.”

I said, “Well, isn’t that fascinating? Look at these facts.

At the beginning of the relationship, before he knows you, before you’ve been tested, he has total faith in you that you’re not going to hurt him.

And then, after you have proven yourself, that you’re not going to hurt him, that you’re there always and you don’t even look at another guy, then you have earned his trust, he takes it away?

And before you have earned it, he gives it to you?

He’s not afraid. He’s bored to death.

Then he becomes afraid. He’s afraid that he’s going to be bored to death the rest of his life. And he’s bored because he subconsciously wants struggle.

At the very beginning that he had struggle, he was fascinated. You take all the struggle away by giving him reassurances, reassurances, and he gets bored because subconsciously he wants struggle.

So then I tell her, “Tell him that he is right, that you have rushed things even if it’s been three years.

Say to him, ‘I’m not ready for commitment either. I want to date others. I need my space.’

Back off from him, agree with him, and instantly he will want commitment.”

He’ll say, “Wait a minute!” because she’s giving him the struggle, the challenge, the frustration that he subconsciously wants.

This is a point of view that I have not heard from anybody.

But it’s a theory that explains the facts.

And also, another test of the theory is when she starts acting on the basis of this, she gets him.


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The 8 Attitudes That Prevent You From Getting What You Want – And How To Avoid Them

The over 100 strategies that we’re mentioning in this book, most of them are always together and are only separate on a verbal level.

I want to mention very quickly 8 different traits or attitudes that are always present – always present – in a person who’s upset by anxiety or depression, which people almost always are when they’re in love and being rejected.

1. Exaggeration
2. Guilt
3. Self-pity (unhappiness)
4. Low self-esteem
5. Self-righteousness
6. Submission to feelings
7. Blaming and escaping responsibility
8. Believing that differences cause problems

We have self-talk almost continuously, constantly, and these become beliefs, which become attitudes. And these attitudes are reflected in outward actions.

In the strategies of always agree and instantly and happily do everything the mate’s way and always act happy, act as if everything in the status quo is practically perfect.

These strategies are extremely difficult to do when we are having these 8 different traits. So in order to be able to follow the strategies, we need to have insight into these things.

Dr. Albert Ellis has talked about that insights are not enough. We need to do work on top of insight, and that’s often true. But if we really have an insight, that almost automatically becomes an action.

For example, if somebody hollers “FIRE!” and we believe them, we don’t have to use a lot of will power to get out of that building.

We receive an official letter from an attorney that our uncle has died and left us a million dollars, and to please come in and sign some papers, we don’t need a lot of will power.

That insight by itself becomes automatic action. We’re on our way to the attorney’s office.

So, here's how the 8 traps work...

1. Exaggeration

First of all, we are exaggerating, always without exception, when we are upset. We’re calling a desire a need, and it’s only a desire.

We’re also exaggerating the other person’s wrongness.

We’re exaggerating the degree of their wrongness and the number of things that they’re wrong about, and the importance of their wrongness.

In terms of extremes, we tend to think we make something all-important or it has no importance.

In rational thinking, we say it has some importance.

My mate is rejecting me. It has some importance.

We don’t say it has none. But it’s not all-important, either.

What I desire is only a preference.

That’s all that it is.

And, it’s my exaggerating the importance of it that makes me drive my mate away.

A woman almost never leaves a man who’s not exaggerating.

She never leaves a man who she perceives is happy.

She never leaves a man that is always agreeing with her.

So a man says, “Well, if my wife says she wants a divorce, I should agree with her?”

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Because that immediately weakens her motivation for divorce and leaving you.

A woman never leaves a man who’s always cheerfully and sincerely agreeing with her.

“You’re right. We do need more space.”

Or, “You’re right, we should get a divorce. We’re just too different. You’re exactly correct,” or whatever.

Immediately, her desire for divorce or motivation for divorce is tremendously weakened. And it’s very funny to the husband how, all of a sudden, she becomes very slow about getting the attorney to send the papers and so forth, she stops talking about divorce and everything.

It’s fascinating to the husband.

We’re always exaggerating. So we’ll take the exaggeration out and have the insight that we are exaggerating. All we are ever dealing with are desires.

Many psychologists use the concept of needing, but that encourages upset.

When we don’t get what we think that we need, we’re going to be much more upset than if we say to ourselves, “Well, it’s only a desire. That’s all that it is.”

2. Guilt

People are always feeling guilty. I remember a quote in Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Huck Finn and his companion are watching a community of people tar and feather 2 guys and railroad them out of town.

Huck Finn and his companion are not taking part.They didn’t even know it was going to happen. I think the 2 guys that they were railroading out of town tarring them and feathering them and railroading them out of town had cheated the people.

And Huck says to his male companion, “There we were, feeling ornery and sort of guilty somehow. But we hadn’t done nothing. That’s always the way it is. It don’t make no difference if you do right or wrong. A man’s conscience just goes for him anyhow. If I had a yellow dog that had no more sense than a man’s conscience, I’d poison him. It (meaning the conscience) takes up more room than all of man’s insides, and ain’t got no sense no how. Tom Sawyer says the same.”

Now this is Sigmund Freud’s basic finding in the 1880’s that Mark Twain discovered in the 1860’s.

The main finding of Freud was not about sex. People tend to think that.

But it’s about a sick conscience that he called the “super ego” bringing down a person, beating them down.

3. Self-Pity

My opinion is we tend to be very perfectionistic. So when we don’t have more power than God and make everybody do right, we hit ourselves over the head with, “Bad me! Stupid me!”

What are we going to do when we hit ourselves with,
“Bad me! Stupid me!”

Then we’re going to cry with, “Poor me!”

You never find guilt and self-pity separate.

If a person is feeling self-pity, they’re always feeling guilt. And if they’re feeling guilt, they’re always feeling self-pity.

It’s very simple, very clear, very convincing.

And both of these attitudes are expressed by a whining tone of voice. Meaning is in tone of voice, just as much as it is in words.

In my opinion, there’s no such thing as guilt. What there really is, is pseudo-guilt.

I haven’t read this anywhere, I made it up. I’m 76 years old this month, been in private practice over 45 years, so I’m entitled to an idea or two, particularly since I’ve been studying it so hard.

Sincere guilt would commit suicide.

I don’t mean the person would commit suicide; the feeling would commit suicide. Because if I’m sincerely guilty about some wrongdoing, I immediately decide and quit.

So then the guilt is gone.

Because I don’t feel guilty about something I’m not doing wrong anymore. So anybody’s feeling guilty, it’s pseudo-guilt.

It’s very self-destructive.

It doesn’t help you become a better person, it makes you a worse person.

4. Low Self-Esteem

That goes with the guilt and the self-pity, as I explained. And helplessness that goes with the self-pity also goes with the guilt.

So when we are full of self-pity, we are focusing on what I can’t do, not on what I can do. So by switching over from what I can’t do, then immediately I begin to feel better.

Some of the strategies we'll be talking about have to do with focusing on what I CAN do.

5. Self-Righteousness

When people are upset, they’re always feeling morally superior to the other person. “I wouldn’t do this to you!”

In my opinion, overly high and overly low self-esteem always go together.

I remember when I was about 22 years old and joined the navy during World War II, and boot camp, and the first inspection.

We were rolling our clothes and stenciling our name on it, and here comes the inspecting officer. He was standing in front of our bunks, and he sees my clothes rolled up and stenciled on there “McDonald.”

He says, “Who’s McDonald?”

I said, “I am, sir.”

He said, “McDonald, can’t you roll clothes any better than that?”

I said, “Good as the rest of them, sir.”

Today, if I was in the same situation and he said, “McDonald, can’t you roll clothes any better than that?”
I would say, “You’re right, sir. I’ll do better.” Because my ego is a little more secure.

In doing my own psychoanalytic training, we seemed to discover that I had a superiority complex hiding an inferiority complex. So the 2 always go together.

6. Submission To Feelings

Now, something else that people are always doing when they’re upset is they are submitting to feelings. They’re doing whatever their feelings tell them to do. People tend to do that.

The feelings say, “I’m in love,” so I must be.

The feelings say, “Let’s get married,” so we do it.

Our feelings say, “Let’s get a separation,” “let’s get a divorce,” so I do.

I tell women in my office, “You think it’s wrong to be submissive towards your husband, don’t you?”

“Oh, yeah.”

I said, “But you’re being submissive to your neurotic guilt, your neurotic hurt feelings and angry feelings. Your hurt feelings, your angry feelings order you not to touch your husband.

Let’s say I want to become an auto mechanic, because my father liked to work on cars or whatever, and it’s an important part of our society.

So I go to an auto shop and I say, “I’m a good auto mechanic.”

He says, “Well, some cars are stacked up here. We’ll give you a chance.”

So at the end of the day, he’s angry with me and firing me, because I’ve damaged all of the cars that I’ve worked on.

He says, “McDonald, where did you get your training?”

Comparing this to marriage. “Training? There’s nothing wrong with me! I don’t need any training!”

You say, “Well, why did you cut the wires that go to the sparkplugs, and why did you throw sand into the oil and into the gasoline?”

I said, “Well, I felt like it. Aren’t you supposed to do what you feel like?”

That’s the philosophy, the deep seated beliefs people take into marriage.

We’ve been brought up on compulsive honesty, too, which means always be honest about what you feel. That’s one of the worst things that we could be advised if having a happy, romantic, in-love relationship is our goal, because it attacks the other person’s pride. And when you attack each other’s pride, everything goes to hell.

I dreamed of a metaphor many years ago. I am on top of 2 horses. I’ve got my left foot on top of one horse and my right foot on top of another horse.

Now, the horse that my left foot is on is called “Kind.” The horse under my right foot is called “Honest.” As long as both of these horses are going in the same direction, I don’t have a big problem because I’m okay. I’m balanced.

But, when these horses go in different directions, I’ve been brought up to believe that I can be kind and honest.
So I try to stay on both horses, and of course I fall off of both horses.

So what I teach is to put three-fourths and keep three-fourths of my weight on the horse called “Kind,” one-fourth of my weight on a horse called “Honest.”

And when they separate, and I know that they will go in different directions, then I put all my weight on the horse called Kind. Then later on, the horse called Honest rejoins, and I put the right foot back on the horse.

Let me give you a more everyday example.

That’s a metaphor in trying to explain my philosophy. This is not typical. My wife does not wear hats, and she has better taste (like most wives do), in clothes than I do.

But let’s say she comes in in the evening with a new hat on. As soon as I look at it, I think it looks terrible. With a big smile she says, “Mac? How do you like my new hat?”

I’ve been brought up to be honest and kind, both. So I say, “That looks interesting.”

I think I’m giving her a compliment.

She starts crying.

“Well, just tell me you don’t like it. I know you don’t like it. Why don’t you say you don’t?”

So I haven’t gotten credit for kindness nor honesty.

See, if I’m honest, I start laughing, I say, “Your hat looks terrible! What clerk put that over on you?” And we have a terrible evening.

So what I would do now when she comes with the hat on that I think looks terrible, I say, “Honey, that hat looks great! It really goes with the dress you’ve got on,” or whatever. I sound sincere, and I compliment and we have a wonderful evening.

But we’ve been brought up on compulsive honesty, which is a part of being totally submissive to feelings.

7. Blaming And Escaping Responsibility

What we’re always doing when we’re upset is blaming and dodging responsibility.

It’s the other person’s fault that I feel terrible. She hurt my feelings.

Totally impossible. Totally impossible.

I hurt my own feelings by exaggerating the importance of my desires. And when I stop exaggerating, I’m not in pain anymore.

It makes me think of Marcus Arelius, Roman emperor, a typical parent. He wanted to give the best he could to his grown son, so over and over again, he’s writing letters to his grown son and he says this idea over and over again.

He says, “It’s not the events in the world that disturb men’s minds, but their opinions about these events. Son, if you find something grievous to be born, change your opinion.”

8. Believing That Differences Cause Problems

My wife and I have lots of differences, no problems.

We believe that these differences cause a clash of wills. But the truth is that it’s not the fact that she wants to stay home and I want to go to a movie that causes the problem.

See, as long as I see it as a difference between what she wants and what I want, I will keep my emotional problems.

For example, if I give in to what she wants and I stay home with her, I’m browbeating myself for being so weak as to be submissive to what she wants. Or, if I go ahead and go to the movie, then I stay out much later than I want to because I’m dreading coming home, getting her coldness or hostility.

And I’m feeling guilty about going to the movie, so I’m not really enjoying it as much as I could.

Okay.

Now, if I see it more truthfully, more honestly, then I see that my problem is because of a conflict between 2 of my desires.

They’re my desires.I desire to please her and I desire her to be happy. One of my desires.

Another desire that apparently goes in conflict with that one is that I desire to go to the movie.

Now, if I take responsibility for both of those desires as something within me, then I make a decision and I say, “My desire to please her and be with her is more important to me than my desire to go to a movie.”

So I stay home and I’m not moping around and feeling sorry for myself, beating myself over the head. I’m praising myself for doing what I prefer to do.

And then of course, next week she says, “Mac, what movie was it that you wanted to see?” So then we go to the movie.

Or, I say to myself, “Hey, I’m going to this movie. It’s not going to come back. It’s going to be only on tonight, and it’s a movie I really do want to see. So it’s more important to me than it is to please her.”And that’s okay.

Then I go.

I don’t feel guilty and I don’t dread coming home, because I cheerfully pay the price of getting my preference.

A guy carrying his brother says, “He’s not heavy, he’s my brother.” This is no sacrifice. I’m doing and getting to do what I prefer to do, which is to stay home or to go to the movie.

So I emphasize the pleasure I’m getting from my choice.

And it’s my choice, not her choice. We have a difference here, but no big problem.

Agreeing and always agreeing and always doing it your mate’s way sounds like a conquered position. So it seems in conflict with the idea of remaining unconquered. But that’s not so.

The conquered person is always rebellious, argumentative, feels that agreeing or doing it the mate’s way is a sign of weakness. This is the emotional position of the conquered individual.

It takes strength and smartness and a secure ego to see that the other person is always right. Maybe not 100%, but at least 10% or 20%.

And if you talk about where they are wrong, they become more wrong. And if you talk about where they are right, they become immediately less wrong. And if you always instantly and happily do everything your mate’s way, this gives you more time, more energy for doing your other hobbies.

Pleasing my mate is not essential.

It’s not my salvation.

It’s only a pleasure. That’s all that it is. It’s only a hobby that gives me a lot of pleasure.

And if I put that hobby first, use my head in taking care of that hobby, then she says, “Mac, do you want to fly by yourself to see your kids in Dallas?” She feels so secure, so that I have more time and more energy for any other hobbies that I’ve got.

So that conflict that I caught myself in is only an apparent conflict. The secure person, the self-confident person is eager to please, happy to please, happy to do it the mate’s way, and has the brain power to see, “Hey, you are right.”

Like if you’re a salesperson, “You are right. It does look like my product is more expensive than the other one.You’re right. It is at the start. It takes less upkeep and does a better job. So in the longer run, it’s less expensive. But you’re right, it does look more expensive.”

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Homer McDonald Interview - Track 1

Homer McDonald Interview - Track 1

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