Pressuring and pursuing never works.
It always pushes the other person away, because you’re communicating low self-esteem.
When you’re thinking “need to be loved,” that is creating low self-esteem. It’s hogwash that we need to be loved.
We don’t need romantic love.
I ask many people, “Before you were in love, what were you doing?”
“Oh, I was enjoying friends and enjoying my freedom.”
“Were you happy?”
“And you weren’t romantically involved?”
“No. I had friends, my job, my school, whatever.”
In order to make it into mature happiness, you’ve got to start caring about facts. Now, you don’t have to make it into maturity.
You do not have to make it into a mature happiness. But if you do, you have to achieve that by caring about facts.
It’s not true that you need to be loved, that’s boloney. It’s nice to be loved. But the more you need it, the more you’re equipped to get hurt, angry, criticize, complain, argue, show jealousy.
All these bad feelings come from the intellectual belief that you need to be loved, that you need to be believed, that you need to be trusted.
“If it’s a nice thing, then I need it.”
“Trust is a nice thing, so I need it.”
No, you don’t. It’s desirable. And the more that you believe that you need it, the less that you’re going to have it.
The purpose of needing is not to get the good thing, but to drive it away. It’s a subconscious trick.
The part of our mind that wants to be unhappy, that wants to feel sorry for itself, that wants to be depressed, tells you that you need to be loved.
You need to be understood.
You need to be supported.
You need to be agreed with.
No, you don’t.
And the more you believe it, you push it away.
If it’s only a preference, that’s all that it is, you get it.
Let me give you an example of the power of preference. A man came into my office and he was feeling depressed because his wife had just told him the day before that she wanted a divorce.
He said, “I asked her if she would take marriage counseling and she said no. I asked her this morning, and she said no, she wants a divorce.”
I said, “Do you mind if I call her?”
“It won’t do you any good.”
I said, “Well, it may not. Do you mind if I try?”
I called her and I said, “I’m your husband’s counselor. I’m not going to try to save this marriage against your will, but I’d appreciate it if you would come in…”
“No, I will not,” she said in a loud voice, right in the middle of my sentence.
I had her in the next day.
Let me tell you exactly how I handled it.
The moment that she said, “No, I will not,” in a loud voice, I knew she was ready for me, that she was negative before I called.
I waited two or three seconds and then I said, “I certainly understand that feeling.” I repeated that. I said, “I certainly understand that feeling. I’m kind of busy right now. Do you mind if I call you back later this afternoon?”
“Oh,” she said, “I guess that’s all right.”
I said, “Thank you very much. I’ll call you back.” And I hung up.
When I hung the phone up, I turned to the husband and said, “We’ve got it made.”
“Got it made?! Did she say she’d come in? Sounded to me like she said she wouldn’t.”
I said, “You’re right. She said she wouldn’t, but she will.”
“Where did you get this confidence?” he said.
I said, “Well, lucky for you, I’ve got it.”
Later that afternoon, I called her back and I said, “Thank you very much for letting me call you back. You don’t have to tell me, but I sure would appreciate it if you would tell me why you said you wouldn’t come in and talk to me.”
“I don’t mind telling you,” she said, “it’s because you’re going to try to talk me into taking counseling and I don’t want counseling.”
I said, “I promise not to do that. I promise not to do that. I just want some background information on your husband, which will help me help him faster and help him get on with his life. That’s all.”
She said, “Oh, okay. Then, I’ll come in.”
So she came in, and I listened to her talk for an hour. And I just listened and empathized. “I understand. I see. Then what happened?” I just listened and understanding, and never pointing anything out or anything like that.
Never trying to get her to think a new thought, just listening.
And then I said, “Thank you very much. You’ve been a big help.”
She said, “I have?”
I said, “Yes, you sure have.”
She said, “That’s it?”
I said, “That’s it.”
She looked me straight in the eye and then she said, “I know, you think I need counseling, don’t you?”
I said, “No, I don’t think you do, I know you do.”
“You know I do? Why do you say that?”
“Because you’re confused and unhappy, that’s why.”
“Yeah, that’s true.” It surprised me that she admitted it. Because when people want a divorce, they always act like they’re very happy.
She said, “That’s true. But counseling can’t help me with that.”
I said, “My kind of counseling can.”
She said, “Can it really?”
I said, “Yes, it surely can.”
“Oh. Okay. Then I’ll take it.”
So she took counseling.
See, we cannot sell needs. Nobody buys needs. They don’t want the pressure. Have you ever heard anyone say, “Oh, I just love to be pressured?”
When the person comes across needing, they come across with pressure, pressure, pressure.
Pressure creates stress and strain.
It makes you nervous.
The one doing the pressuring and the one being pressured. In reality, all we’re dealing with are preferences. We can lie. We have the human right to be wrong and lie.
This is not a preference, we need it.
We need to be understood.
We need our mate to see how good our intentions were when we screwed up.
We need… We need… We need them to trust us.
We need this marriage to work.
Baloney, baloney, baloney. Not true.
Now we have the right to lie, but it is a lie. And it’s very masochistic. It’s very self-defeating. The more you need something, the more you push it away.
You try to use crying and whining and depression and arguing as methods to achieve a happy relationship. It doesn’t work.
It always works to get self-pity. The real purpose of believing the false belief that you need is not to get the good thing, but to feel bad.
That’s the purpose of needing.
There is nothing wrong with you. You just believe that there’s something wrong with you that another person’s love or approval will cure.
You’re not sick. You just believe that you are.
We have songs, beautiful songs, that communicate to us that you’re nobody until somebody loves you. Well, if you’re nobody until somebody loves you, you’re going to have a heck of a hard time.
Maybe not at the very beginning of a relationship, when everybody is putting their best foot forward. But gradually, in time, you’re going to have serious trouble – unnecessary trouble.
When you think of things as only a preference, that’s all that it is. So I’m happy to do it your way. You could just stay home or go out.
A relationship works when you have that kind of attitude.
And you can have the attitude “I’m happy to do it your way” when you think of things as only a preference. Because to go out or stay home, or see this particular movie, or do that particular thing, it’s only a preference.
And I’m glad to give up a preference of mine for a greater preference, which is to have a good relationship, to have peace of mind, to have maturity.
If you don’t have peace of mind, you don’t have a whole lot. And anything that you need, destroys the peace of mind. That is, believing that you need.
It makes you anxious or depressed, even while you’re getting the thing that you think you need.
“Does she really mean it,” and “Will he mean it next week,” there’s anxiety coming from this.
Putting excessive importance on something pushes it away.This is a Free Excerpt From Stop Your Divorce... Click Here to Learn More.