When one person is wanting a divorce or is pulling away, and the other one doesn’t want it, there is a clash of wills.
There is tension.
There is stress.
So I’ve discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to his own advantage, and to the disadvantage of his opponent.
We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to her that you want something different from what she wants.
I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over.
And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of “your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather.” After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person’s hand always begins to float upward because they’re giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion.
This woman’s hand didn’t move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, “Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?”
She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, “Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier.”
See, the opposite of what I suggested.
So I said, “Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier.” And I kept on that way.
In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility.
When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.
So use the jujitsu. Go with them.
Now here are five elements, five ideas, five strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.
1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.
You see, when the wife has a closed mind and is divorcing a husband, she is in love with her negative feelings.So she puts her negative feelings in charge of the door to her mind. And when you try to reason with her, you’re telling her that her negative feelings are wrong. That causes her negative feelings to lock the door tighter.
Agree with her negative feelings – whatever they are.
“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”
“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That’s exactly correct.”
Do not defend yourself.
Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.
The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they’ve given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.
4. Date others. Make them jealous. Play hard-to-get.
5. Do everything instantly and happily, one hundred percent your mate’s way.
This uses jujitsu, and it always works.
Now, you can’t do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It’s not going to work for you. And you can’t do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.
You’ve got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.
Now, this does not mean no contact.
If you’re separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.
You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you’ve got to do serious talk.
Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.
Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.
You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.
“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”
Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”
These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.
Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.
Every time you say to her or him, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don’t really care what you want. It’s what I want that’s important.”
Lots of times men tell their wives, “I’ve changed. I’ve changed. Let’s get back together. I’ve changed.”
I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I’ve changed,’ you’re communicating to her that you have not changed.”
“Really? Why is that? How is that? I don’t understand that.”
“Of course, you don’t understand. But what’s your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you’ve changed? What’s your purpose? Isn’t it to get your way?”
“Yeah, I want her back.”
“That’s your way. It’s not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I’ve changed,’ you’re saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don’t give a hoot what you want.”
And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn’t changed. He’s still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There’s no way I’m going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”
Now, these basic ideas that I’ve discovered that always work are in oriental philosophy. They are in the Sermon on the Mount. Now, I’m not trying to sell religion. I’m selling philosophy.
I’m selling psychology. I’m selling what works. Jesus said, “Resist not evil.” You don’t resist it, go with it. “You want a divorce, it’s okay. I don’t blame you. I understand.” The more you talk against the divorce, the more she wants it.
Another place in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him. Lest they deliver you to the judge and the judge to the jailer, and you shall not come out until you have paid the uttermost farthing.”
Agree with thine adversary, quickly.
Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.
If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them.
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